It Probably Wasn't What They Were Looking For

I will freely admit that I created my pages and listed them so that other people would see them. That is the usual reason such things are done. However, unlike most people I have access to and regularly check my referer logs, and I find that some of the reasons people come to my site are not the reasons I'd expect or even want.

Some of you may be asking what a referer log is to begin with, and what sort of information it tells me. When you visit a website, the computer that hosts the website and your computer share information. You get a web page downloaded to your computer, and the hosting computer gets a little bit of information about you to keep track of who visits the site.

It gets the ID of your computer, the time of your visit, what page you looked at, and of specific interest to me, the URL of the refering page, if any. When you get to a new page by clicking on a link on another page, the referer log records the URL of the previous page. In most cases this simply tells me the path of pages that visitors have taken through my site. Sometimes it tells me when someone out there has created a permanent link to my site. If the link that was followed to my site was the result of a search on a search engine, the page of results the search engine created usually includes the search terms in the URL. This means that I can tell what search terms people have used and found my page as a result, and more to the point, have then followed to my page.

For example, a typical log entry looks something like this (this is, obviously, a generalization):

"someone.somewhere.com - - "GET/somepage.html" "http://searchengine.com/?MT=tam+lin&II=10&SQ=1&TR=101&AM1=MC" "

As a final note before delving into the muck, I'd like to say that it's rather depressing that this page now gets nearly as many hits as the main website, and almost all of those are from folks looking for the wrong things. I'm now in the top ten search results for drunk naked women pictures, for example. Oddly enough, very few of the folks who end up on this page ever bother following the links below to any of my other pages. Oh well.

Some were hopelessly misguided

toe sucker turned up shoken.html

Shoken was my cat, and when I had a separate page for each cat, her page mentioned her pink toes and the fact that she is a sucker for newspaper and bags left on the floor. She was a shy cat and would probably be quite startled by this sort of attention (and so was I)

early signs of pregnancy and herbs to cause abortion turned up tamlin1b.html

This page is one of the earliest of my Tam Lin pages, comparing major variations between versions. During the course of the tale, in some versions, she considers abortion. I'm afraid these searchers probably didn't find any help for their problems.

The Beauty Myth turned up ../tamlin2.html

This isn't that bad... but "the beauty myth" was a book about how the pressures of physical conformity damage women in modern society, whereas the page they found deals more with the myth of beauty and the beast.

Pictures of David Duchovny turned up both david.html and bridge.html

At one point I had a page up with pictures of my then-fiance (now ex-husband), David (whose last name is NOT Duchovny) and it seemed to turn up a lot in searches for photos of the actor on the x-files, a t.v. show. Then I made the situation worse by mocking it in an essay on the internet. Then I made it worse yet by mocking it here. Come to think of it, having it get worse with every iteration is accurate, considering my ex.

dead people in car accidents turned up carphoto/crash.html

A few years back, after a car accident, I put up pictures of what happens when an 18 wheeler collides with a dodge neon... or at least what happened when one collided with mine. However, part of the point was that while the car was mangled no one was injured. This page has turned up many times when people were looking for pictures of dead bodies, especially after the crash that killed princess Diana. Sorry to disappoint, and I promise I'll take pictures of myself if I am ever killed in a car accident, really.

snowflake science turned up snowfl.html

Snowflake was the name we gave to a fluffy white American Eskimo dog who we were lucky enough to have in our lives for a short time, and the page in question was a tribute to her life and memory. While there are snowflakes present in the winter pictures of her, I have not included any speculation on how *they* came to be.

best conception time turned up wwwboard.html

Well generally I do my best thinking in the morning... wait, that's not what they meant. Umm, well, according to the discussion this searcher turned up, the best time of conception is around the autumnal equinox. I doubt that it was very helpful advice. I have since removed the board for attracting too much spam and not enough talk.

sucker idiot turned up form.html

I'm not so much questioning the fact that this search turned up my Dear Idiot form letter as much as I am questioning the fact that the searcher managed to narrow down their selection to my page specifically. A search like this should have turned up at least 45% of the internet.

I saw her shaved open legs turned up Specter.html

The page this searcher turned up was one I wrote about one of my foster cats, Specter. Specter was a very sweet little cat whom we lost to a thromboembolism from cardiomyopathy following hyperthyroidism. The 'shaved legs' portion of the text had to do with her leg being shaved for the injection of euthenasia solution. This searcher didn't find the kind of 'cat' they were looking for. I have since removed all information about myself or my cats.

What color dress is right for me turned up wwwboard.html

The specific message this search turned up was part of a discussion regarding colors of dresses in Tam Lin, green skirts for seducing a lover, green gowns for abandoned women, and red dresses of female heirs. The message will only provide pertinent information if the searcher is a pregnant woman looking for a new lover or trying to pick out baby clothes. I have since removed the board for attracting too much spam and not enough talk.

I want to sell my eggs in side of me how do I do that my body nothing to do with food turned up eggs.html

Okay, okay, so I knew I'd get some weird hits when I put up a rambling page after thinking about selling my eggs, but can I just say "bwahahahahaha!!"? Most places that actually buy eggs from women require tests for acquired diseases, genetic diseases, and intelligence. If you spell 'inside' as two words, you probably don't qualify.

striped ladies with no braw turned up Lang.txt

The funny thing about this one is that while they almost certainly meant 'stripped' instead of women with stripes, one of the meanings of 'braw' is "well-dressed", so saying the women are without braw means... oh nevermind, it really isn't all that funny afterall.

What do Latin Men Want? turned up latin.html

They want rubber duckies but not toasters.

Abigail dirty little secret turned up about.shtml

HEY! I've listed my website with LOTS of search engines. It's no secret.
I'm very popular with the search robots, I'll have you know.

And some were merely hopeless

(more sarcastic notes than actual explanation, since I cannot fathom any. Also a few I posted just because the set up was too good.)

horse sex, bestiality, etc... turned up tamlin2.html

One of my pages on the topic of Tam Lin includes a comparison with the tale of Beauty and the Beast. It does mention a beast, and horses are present, and even a slight discussion of the sexual overtones common to the stories, but I doubt it would be of interest to someone whose interests were of a more carnal nature.

How can I find a wife with a holly homemaker mind and a playboy body turned up tamlin1.html

I hope this didn't make them happy. I don't want to make people like this happy.

what is the cure for a hangover turned up tamlin2.html

Maybe they were still drunk when this page made sense as a result for this query.

Men in ballerina outfits turned up comments.html

It is none of my business what people find interesting... but the important words in that search phrase aren't even on that page, let alone the entire concept. If they were, I'm sure I would have known about it. The page has since been removed, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

ladies arm wrestling turned up 39J.html

ummmm... The first question that usually occurs to me is why someone doing a search like this would look at the page of mine that clearly has nothing to do with it whatsoever. The second question is whether or not I really want an answer to the first one.

naked pictures of Abby in high heels turned up abby.html

they didn't mean me they didn't mean me they didn't mean me they didn't mean me they didn't mean me.....
(searches like are why I took down all the pictures of me)

weird people pictures turned up abby.html

Well maybe they meant me.

abigail feel good turned up about.shtml

abigail think searcher stupid. Abigail now feel icky. Want searcher go away!

wet clothes pictures turned up crash.html

Mental note: Next time I am doing laundry, take photos, make web page. Adoring fans wish to see!

free thumbnail sex turned up crash.html

I didn't know that was even possible, but I guess it must be... and of course if it is possible it must be on the web somewhere. Not here, by the way, but somewhere.

pictures graphics hell demon blood death decay turned up crash.html

Okay, my car accident was bad but it wasn't that bad

Pictures of partial birth abortion turned up referer.html (this page)

I'd just like to say to all of the pro-lifers out there who have turned up this page, if there's anything else I can do to offend you, please let me know.

pictures of drunk naked women turned up referer.html (this page)

Hey, I see the potential for a truly ugly vicious circle here.

nude pics of Lin Xinru turned up index.html

Who would have thought there was a significant overlap between fans of Scottish folklore and, um, well, actually I don't know who Lin Xinru is, I think she's an actress, but still, the demographic has GOT to be pretty small.

Rape Stroy turned up wwwboard.html

lern tu splel yu sik fukr.

Human Male Brain turned up tamlin3.html

I admit I have a webpage devoted to the exploration of rather obscure topics but... nevermind, that joke is just a little too easy.

%7b%a2%%e1%6b%7d%e0%c7% (and on for another eighty characters or so) turned up music.html

This was an AOL search. AOL sucks.

kick him in the balls turned up wwwboard.html

Dear, if you have to look it up on the net, you'll probably never do it right. I'm sure this is a relief to the males who read the subject of your search and winced.

pretty polly and willie turned up wwwboard.html

Not such a weird search, but I'd like to mention that when I saw it, I wasn't sure if the term referred to a children's story or a porn movie.

Catholic mythology turned up interp.html

Honey, it's all mythology.

Free Credit Report turned up index.html

Well if you really want a free credit report, I'll give you one, but I'm making NO promises about accuracy

first word spoken turned up index.html

I think it was "Oops!"

please stand up song dr. dre turned up Child's Notes

I didn't know HE'D done a version of Tam Lin

Drunk Women Pictures turned up Referer.html (this page)

I fail to see the appeal of this. I'd think they'd all be out of focus.

Naked Birth turned up wwwboard.html

This search implies there are other options. Does someone object to the nudity of newborns?

early signs of pregnancy after conception turned up wwwboard.html

Since signs of pregnancy before conception would be TOO early.

Pictures of myself naked turned up referer.html (this page)

Why are they looking on my website for pictures of themself?

Women Mocking Pictures turned up referer.html (this page)

Send me yours and then I'll have something to mock.

she put her finger in my turned up tamlin12.html

Why this search turned up the page on the Broomhill wager I cannot explain (no one puts their finger in anyone else's anything else), but I'd just like to say that this search pissed me off. I read it and was left asking "Your what? She put her finger in your WHAT?". Geez, if you're going to look up smut on the net, at least have the conviction to be specific! Coward.

Cat mating pictures turned up raglan.html

Hey! I run an honorable webshop! No kitty porn here!
(ha ha ha!)

reincarnation leave your money to yourself turned up form.html

Chances are this person still has the web page up and is clicking on the links, wondering why the mail won't go through.

Abigail Horse Pedigree turned up 39G.html

No equines yet in the family history, but given as they're a bunch of Brits for the most part, the mistake is forgiven.

Strange bakery products turned up forgail.html

sing a song of sixpence, pocket full of rye, baked my kittens into a cake, and I don't know why....
(It was a web page detailing the lives of two kittens I adopted many years ago.)

selling my body to science and getting paid for it turned up eggs.html

First of all, usually one gives their body to science, not sells. Second, it's usually done after death. Third, if you're doing a search like this you'll probably owe science money for taking it. Chances are no one else wanted it when you were alive either.

best way to cook oatmeal turned up oatmeal.html

You are going to starve to death. You do know that, don't you?
(old page about the joy of oatmeal with fresh fruit in the morning.)

graduate from college by stripping turned up angeldeath.html

What class was that? And did it have an oral exam too?
(old page about my ability to lose jobs by having the company implode.)

All of which goes to prove that you have to be stupid to come to my website!

© 1997-2005 Abigail Acland. All rights reserved.